在愛情面前收斂光芒

　　Celina跟John已穩定交往了六個月。共同買車置業是他們的閒話家常，二人的關係正朝著正確的方向邁步。

　　Celina非常努力地工作，她亦獲得相稱的晉升回報，滿心歡喜。這次的晉升不單大大提高了收入，更為她帶來更多的責任、權力及認可，不過最能夠滿足她的，是自己的能力終於有目共睹。晉升後，她的收入較John更高。

　　John對此並不介懷，更表示以自己的女友為榮。Celina則沾沾自喜，展開一連串的慶祝活動：兩小口到高級酒店享用大餐，與她的家人大搞晚宴，跟她的同事共進晚餐，又約她的女性朋友燒烤，還有跟教會朋友在星期天吃個午飯，緊隨到布吉島旅行慶祝。當John提到旅遊高峰期的旅費過高，大可多等兩個月，待淡季出發，Celina卻說：「沒關係，我會付。」他倆之前商量買輛小型日本車，價格相宜，保養又夠經濟實惠。現在，Celina想選德國車，質素更高，更乎合她的新名銜。兩口子之前希望在九龍置業，他們已儲足首期，亦足夠應付抵押借款，即使添個寶寶也生活無憂。不過，Celina現在想住半山區，當John提到學校，Celina提起的是國際學校。

　　我們建議Celina在她的男人面前放下成就，不要處處光芒盡露。她說若果這是必須的，這就不是一段真實關係。如果John愛她，就應以她的成就為榮，她拒絕在感情上「如履薄冰」。最後，她真的不需要再小心翼翼地處理關係，因為John五個月後跟她提出分手。

　　印象中，我看過一個中國的雜技表演者不單只在雞蛋上步行，更邊頂著一疊碗，邊旋轉著在手臂上的幾個環，甚至在雞蛋上跳舞，「如履薄冰」的表演看來優雅、靈巧又輕鬆。「如履薄冰」亦非不可能，「如履薄冰」者亦能樂在其中，關乎的是想法與實踐。

　　較大部分人相信，人是具適應力的，看看新手父母的即時轉變，並觀察一個新生命的誕生將如何影響他們的一生，或其中一個家庭成員突然病倒，要與輪椅為伴，或你的哥哥剛剛失業，又或你上司的太太剛剛過身……當我們在乎某些人，我們都立即知道該做甚麼，要如何避開敏感話題，如何步步為營，以免造成傷害。這不是苦差或負擔，這是為人著想，是人與人之間的基本禮儀。每當我們表現傲慢、惹人討厭，尊己卑人，就是在違反文明。驕橫自大不成道理，是藉口。

　　微不足道的小問題日漸滾大，大部分的關係因而被瓦解。男方的婚外情往往被視為婚姻觸礁的單一成因，不過，更常見的是婚姻早在婚外情開始前崩壞。或者源自她很久以前說過的話，繼而是一次小意外及其他說話……積沙成塔。假如你想保存一段愛情關係，就先學習保留你伴侶的感受。

　　在大部分的國家，駕駛時亮遠光燈是違法的。強光方便了自己，卻讓對車司機失去視野。顧己及人，稍稍調低光芒。

　　（按：中文內容乃翻譯及撮寫版本）

Dip Your High beam

　　Celina and John had been going steady for six months. There were casual discussions about buying a car, and perhaps an apartment together. Things were moving along nicely in the right direction.

　　Celina had been working very hard, she deserved her promotion and was overjoyed when it happened. It wasn’t only the substantial  salary increase, but the additional responsibility, the power and recognition, and above all, the ultimate gratification that her own ability had been publicly acknowledged. She was now earning more than John.

　　John said he did not mind and was proud of her. Celina was feeling smug. There were many celebrations: a special dinner for two at a posh restaurant… a big dinner party with her family…another dinner with her colleagues… then barbacue with her girl friends…  and Sunday lunch with the church choir.. Then a celebration holiday to Phuket. When John mentioned it was a bit overpriced during peak season, why not wait two months till off season ? She said “ Never mind, I’ll pay for it…”. They had been talking about buying a small Japanese car together, reasonably priced, economical to maintain. Celina now preferred a German model, better quality…more appropriate for her new status..They had been looking at properties in Kowloon, there’s enough money for the down payment and the mortgage would be affordable, allowing them a  comfortable life even with children… Only now Celina preferred Mid Levels… When John  mentioned  schooling,  Celina started talking about International Schools…

　　We advised Celina to play down on her accomplishments and not  try to outshine her man at every opportunity. She told us that if that would be necessary, then it is not a real relationship. If he loves her he should be proud of her achievements and that she refuses to be “walking on eggs” … As it turned out, she didn’t have to any more, John broke up with her five months later.

　　I remember having seen a Chinese acrobat not only walking on eggs, she was dancing on eggs with a stack of bowls on her head, and multiple rings spinning around each arm.. looking elegant, deft and at ease. So “walking on eggs” is not impossible, it can be done with grace – just a matter of mind set and practice. Human nature is a lot more resilient than most people would give credit for, watch the instant transformation of new parents, and observe how the arrival of one little baby would change their life in its entirety…Or if one member of the family is suddenly taken ill, confined to a wheelchair…  if your brother has lost his job, or your boss’s wife has just passed away... When we care about someone, we all know instantaneously what to do, how to side-step sensitive topics, to tread carefully so as not to be hurtful. This is neither a chore nor a burden, this is what being considerate is all about  - the fundamental decency  we extend as one human being to another. We breach this civility when we are arrogant or obnoxious and when the gratification of our own ego comes first. It’s not a justification, it is an excuse.

　　The disintegration of most relationships is caused by an accumulation of multiple minor discomforts.  A man’s extramarital affair might be perceived as the mono catalyst that wrecked the marriage, more often than not, the relationship had been disintegrating a long time before that. Perhaps it was something she said a long time ago…followed by a minor incidence here and another word there… and it all adds up. If you are interested in preserving a relationship, learn to preserve your partner’s feelings first.

　　In most countries, it is against the law to be driving with your high beam on. While it is more convenient for you, it blinds the drivers of oncoming traffic. Be considerate, dip your lights a little.